**YAWN**

I've never claimed to be an early to bed/early to rise kind of person. But I had set some goals and one of them was to be up every morning making a hot breakfast for my kids. Well, Geoff works nights once a month for 7 days straight. I don't sleep well when he's gone - I hear every sound, I worry about the kids and I just find it's easier to do things when he's gone. So, it is a productive time of the month - I work on the computer for my calling, I sweep and mop my kitchen (which I hate to do during the day because I use a steam mop and it makes it warm in the room), I organize cupboards, I dust (who does that?), etc etc etc. I will admit that most of the time I do spend most of the time on the computer. I surf for recipes, make documents for my calling or studio, games (I love word games) or chat with friends (if they are awake like me). And sometimes I call Geoff at work and we talk (thank goodness for unlimited night time minutes), if he's not too busy.

I tell you this because he's been on his nightshift for 2 nights and I'm already dragging during the day! It's starting to wear on me and I haven't been very productive during the day. And this heat isn't helping!! I am worn out before I even get the kids out the door to school. I haven't given up my goal of making sure they have a hot breakfast on school days but I can't guarantee I don't grab a cat nap after they leave.

Here's hoping for me to either get to bed earlier

OR

for this night shift to end soon so I can sleep!

Planting seeds in my garden . . .

I've been busy getting things ready for a young women's special meeting called Evening in Excellence. I am the Personal Progress leader in my ward and this is an evening to spotlight the girls work. I have been asked to put together a program and the theme is FOREVER BLOOMING: My Garden of Values.

As I started trying to decide where to go with this, I came across an amazing outline online about taking each value and representing it with a flower and comparing them. I loved it! But now the hard part comes - I have to come up with the flowers and how they compare and write it out. They only gave one idea and I didn't like the flower they chose, so I now have to come up with all 8 values, 8 flowers and 8 comparisons. Some might find this overwhelming but I LOVE LOVE LOVE to do this kind of stuff!

It started the weekend my kids were out of town with my parents and I started researching. Geoff and I were home alone. No interruptions. Nothing to do but enjoy the quiet and each other. I'll keep this rated G and just say we had fun but we still had lots of down time. So, I used my time to work on the computer, while Geoff played his computer game. :) Yes, we're geeks!

I'm done now and the presentation is amazing, if I do say so myself. Although, I don't consider it to be only my work - I had lots of inspiration! I wish I could share with you all of the values and flowers but that would take too long. But I have to share something, so here is a taste with one of my favorites -

CHOICE AND ACCOUNTABILITY --- Zinnia

Zinnias are among the most popular of garden flowers. Butterflies are particularly attracted to them. They are also called “youth-and-old-age”.

My life is like garden. Every choice I make is like a seed. I decide what I want grow in my garden. If I plant good choices, I’ll enjoy love, peace, joy and closeness with the Spirit. If I plant bad seeds, I’ll grow unhappiness. Luckily, if I don’t like the plants I’m growing, I can choose to weed by repenting. Seeds and choices are very similar. We choose what to plant, but we can’t decide what will come up --- that was already decided by what we plant. We can choose our actions, be we can’t decide the consequences for those actions. Just like seeds grow up into plants that make even more seeds, my choices have long reaching consequences -- sometimes expanding, other times limiting my future choices. If I learn to make righteous choices, I’ll have great blessings and the opportunity for many other good choices in the future.

Man! That was a hard decision - they are all soooo good! I'm so pleased with how it's all coming together. But I share this for one reason - I feel like this has been written for me! Thus the reason I don't feel like I wrote this alone.

I love the quote we are putting on the handout - - -

All the flowers of all the tomorrows are

in the seeds of today. - Indian Proverb

For some reason this speaks to me. With all the changes I've been making in my life, this just confirms to me that what I'm doing today will "blossom" tomorrow. Kylee had an opportunity to go to a young women's conference this summer and it was entitled "Time to Blossom". The conference was to help each young woman to understand her self-worth, to know that she is a beautiful daughter of God, and to discover her potential to make a difference in the world. Isn't that what we all want? To know that what I'm doing today will make a difference tomorrow? If we plant the seeds today - the flowers will bloom tomorrow!!

Have a great day and plant some seeds!!

Apples or Onions??

LOOK CLOSELY . . .

CAN YOU TELL WHAT'S REALLY UNDER THE CARMEL?

I'm sure most of you have heard the analogy of carmel treats - one being an onion and one being an apple. You have no idea what's inside until you take a bite. They both look good, they both look tasty. Then you take a bite and WHAM! It's either really good or really bad!

I know it's supposed to be about morality and how it looks ok on the outside, blah, blah, blah . . . . but . . . here's my analogy:

I've had some pretty good apples in life.

But I've also had some pretty strong onions.

But lately, I think I'm getting a carmel apple and after I bite into it - - -

I find a really strong onion!

---------------------------------------------------------------

My recent LIFE ONIONS:

1 - Having a really good day, and then I go check the mail and find yet another bill that's delinquent.

2 - We pray and/or fast about work and feel really confident things are going to be ok and then Geoff gets called to a mandatory meeting where he's told health benefit rates are being raised again (twice in about a year) and that his 401K may be going away and they are looking at 2 week fur-lows! WHAT??

3 - We go yet another day without any word on the job we really need/want in Colorado.

4 - I lose yet another student to scheduling conflicts. Although I should be thrilled they are getting leads in shows and it's rehearsals that are conflicting, the money is nicer.

5 - Yet another kid who's upset they didn't get a birthday party or birthday present or can't take an extracurricular activity because of money or because I have to teach and there is no way to get them to and from.

BUT on the other hand . . .

My apples have been some of the JUICIEST I've had in a looooong time!! I've been enjoying the fun of having more time to myself and family. Here's a list of the fun (yes, I think they are) things I've been working on - -

1 - Making contact with old friends.

This includes drink runs, lunches, FB chats, emails and good ol' phone calls.

2 - Learning to coupon.

I've always been fascinated by saving money and getting lots for a little. So, after connecting with an old friend, I found out she is a master coupon-er. I've been 'trading' Sonic drinks (happy hour, of course) for coupon lessons. I've just been collecting them and learning the trade so far. No savings yet, but I will keep you posted. I'm determined on this one!!

3 - Going to food storage classes and learning to cook healthy, edible stuff with it!

Ok, so I've only gone to one class so far (today) but it was AWESOME! The classes are free and I'm learning what to do with all this wheat, rice and beans I have in my storage and now I can use it and rotate it. Check out her website - FoodWise.com. This woman is a god-send and I'm thankful to have found her. I hope I use what I've learned and become more diverse.

4 - I take time to play the piano . . . for me!!

I play for lessons. I play for church. I play for . . . blah, blah, blah. I LOVE that but I LOVE to play for ME! I was recently given some AMAZING music (arrangements of primary songs and hymns) by my brother. I take the time to play through at least one a day! Lately, after dinner is over and the kids are working on homework, Geoff is either at work or on the computer (depending on his shift) - I will turn off the tv and go in and play. It's so relaxing and I notice a mood change in my home when I do.

5 - I'm trying to find something new everyday. Whether it be a new word, a new friend, a new product, or a new feeling. I am out to make a change in who I am! I will conquer the fear of all these changes and although I get down, and upset and feel like everything I do is a bite into an onion - I will overcome my fears and learn to take leaps and chances and be happy!!

LIFE IS LIKE AN ONION;

YOU PEEL OFF ONE LAYER AT A TIME AND SOMETIMES YOU WEEP.

And I'll add to that:

But sometimes you find an apple and you weep HAPPY tears!!

What are you going to find today - an apple or an onion?

But more importantly - - -

what are you going to do with it and how are you going to handle it?

**UPDATE!**

Had an awesome APPLE day today! Trying really hard to find the sweet apples everyday, because that's really what it's all about!

Sugar Daddy or Little Ol' Lady??? Help Google!

I've always teased that I need a Sugar Daddy but lately, I've been almost serious! Tonight as I was trying to stretch my dimes into TEN dollars in the budget, I thought maybe I could do a Google search for a little old lady that has extra money to spare. If she knew how hard we try and we still can't seem to make it, maybe she'd be willing to spare a little. I'm not asking for lots. Literally. It's amazing how just 4 digits would help keep my head above water, save me some embarrassing phone calls, and keep me kinda happy. The stress that money brings is just beyond crazy! I have been taught not to tell family secrets but I have to get this off my chest so I can sleep. And I kind of see this as my journal, so . . .

I hate avoiding phone calls - afraid it's bill collectors.

I hate telling my kids "sorry, can't afford that" for even the smallest of items and sometimes necessary things

I hate being so nice and allowing students to pay late, knowing that I will not be able to make my own bills on time

I hate being so accommodating with my students needing time off for shows, that I lose the income while they do

I hate not being able to meet friends for lunch or even just a soda because I don't have a dollar to spare

I hate not having a chance to even go on a date with my husband because money is so tight

I hate. I HATE. I HATE!!

Sometimes I just want to give up!! I can't always rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm beginning to stress over Christmas that's coming. We NEED this new job and we need it NOW!! Why aren't they calling? Why are they dragging their feet?? Come on already! Help us out!!

Ok - I'm done ranting. Well, probably not, but I'm hoping my next post will be HAPPY!! It has to be, right?? So if anyone knows a little old lady (I think that might be better than a Sugar Daddy, don't you?) - pass her my name!

Here's hoping for a money tree to grow in my backyard tomorrow!

My Wonkavator at Ground Zero!

**DISCLAIMER : This is in NO WAY meant to make light of or poke fun at our remembrance of Sept 11th.**

"An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways and frontways and squareways and any other ways that you can think of!"

My emotions this week have been on a Wonkavator! ALL OVER THE PLACE! One minute loving my life, one minute hating it. Yet another I feel I'm making the wrong choices and yet another I'm thrilled with way things are going and where they are headed. I know I should be happy with what I've chosen and if not, then I need to make the changes needed. However, I don't think it's because of the choices, but the change. I didn't think change was a big deal to me but because so many things are changing so fast, I'm feeling like I'm standing in mud in a rainstorm - slip sliding and fishtailing as I go. Almost unsure of my ground and if I'm heading in the right direction.

"The term ground zero (sometimes known as surface zero or zero point) is used to describe the point on where an explosion occurs. It is also used in relation to disasters to mark the point of the most severe damage or destruction."

Am I damaged? Did I have an explosion? Not literally . . . but . . . my heart is hurting. Aching if you will. I'm not afraid to cry. I cry A LOT! I cry if I'm happy, if I'm worried, if I'm upset and even if I'm mad. I cry during commercials, music (duh!), when I talk to friends, when I'm alone mopping my floor. I'm just an emotional and very "deep-thoughted" person (is that even a word?) who wears her heart and feelings on my sleeve. And lately my emotions have been very HIGH! I can read a scripture and become overwhelmed with emotion. I can see a friend and just want to hug them and tell them how much I love them. I see my kids giggling and laughing and talking at the kitchen table eating dinner and/or working on homework, helping each other and my eyes well up. I know nothing is particularly 'wrong' with me but I can usually keep my tear ducts in check. Not so lately.

I have a pretty close knit family. My sisters (all 5 of us) and my brother can talk about anything. My favorite thing to do is talk to them - sitting around a table. We tease, we laugh, we do get serious (sometimes) and we share. Lately I've felt a little pulled away or the desire to just lash out and tell to leave me alone. I appreciate their concern and their input about us not moving but they don't see my bank account, they don't see the tears I cry over not being able to make our bills, they don't see the heartache of my husband, who feels he can't provide a decent living for his family, they aren't here when the power goes out because we couldn't pay the bill on time, they don't see the tears from my kids who don't want to go to a birthday party without a gift in hand or can't go to an activity with friends because I don't even have $10 to send with them.

WE HAVE TO MOVE IF A JOB TAKES US THERE!!

Why is that so hard to understand?? Why is that so hard to support?

I love you, too. But families are forever! I can live in a neighboring state and still call, still come home for holidays and since work will pay more, I'll be able to visit. I truly love you but please try to understand.

And another thing:

Why am I doubting my decision to stop doing theatre - PAYING theatre - to be home like the prophet and Bishop have asked? I NEED to be here with my family! I have prayed so very hard and so very long about this. I have cried so many tears, yelled at myself alone in the house, and just slept the afternoon away because of my doubts. The Lord wants me HOME - why doesn't Obama or the economy or society, for that matter?? Why is Satan working so hard to make my choice harder than it should be? Pardon me, but DAMN HIM! Damn him to hell and back! Leave me alone to my sweet husband and children! Let us be happy in our normal sized home but allow us to have power. Allow us to have just a little extra so that we can have smiling kids. We're not asking to be millionaires - just be comfortable. Not feeling like we're wearing shoes that are too tight or have holes in our pockets. LEAVE ME ALONE!!

*DEEP SIGH*

WOW! That felt good! I have plenty to more I could say but why? The doubt is "his" doing, not mine! I'm happy with what I've chosen - I CAN WALK AWAY WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH!

I CAN DO THIS!

I WILL DO THIS!!

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!

I've suffered enough . . .

Now do they need to?

Recently, I have suffered for choices I made years ago. I choose, not really by my own doing, to return to work about 10 years ago. Geoff had lost his 2nd job in 2 years and we were stressing financially. He decided to return to school but I knew that I would need to work to make it through . . . especially with 4 kids!

We were blessed by the way work came our way. I found a job teaching at a local performing arts studio almost instantaneously, which in turn helped me to return to teaching full-time very quickly. I had a full studio in no time and started filling my time with lots of students and in turn . . . more money!

One evening I went to see a student in a show. Afterwards I was visiting with new friends and was offered an opportunity to music direct a show. I obliged and that was the start of a fruitful, yet LONG 5 years of shows and students that filled my time, day and night.

I was able to pay bills but eventually I wore down. I had lost so much time and memories with my kids . . . for what? I know, I paid my bills and we survived. But I wonder . . . was it really worth it all??

I gave up so much that I will NEVER get back. And I'm suffering for it . . . or at least I think I am. I am trying to rebuild my relationship with each kid. They are "relearning" what I expect of them, they are adjusting to the fact that I am home, I'm adjusting to the fact that I am home. We have had to adjust all over!

"Do I miss it?" I get asked this a lot. "You are too talented to stay away." Thanks but no thanks. I have suffered by way of emotion and loss of what I cannot get back, that I have to stop and think . . . I've suffered, do they need to as well?

I think the answer is a simple . . . no.

Is it time for resolutions? ? ?

Well, for me it is!

The start of a new school year is the BEST time for me to start new goals. Schedules are back, the kids are gone during the day for me to accomplish some of them and I'm in a "new mode".

Below are my goals and I share them because I believe responsibility is key to keeping a goal. If I share them, I feel a sense of responsibility to you, as readers and friends, that I must keep them going so I don't disappoint you. (Remember my list of things about myself, where I shared how I don't like to disappoint people and want everyone as a friend.)

1 - GET UP with or before my kids!

In the past I have been so busy with shows and theatre that mornings were a blur for me. I wouldn't wake up at all, leaving my kids to get ready on their own or I would get up only to drive them, in hopes that they got everything done (including their own breakfast) by themselves. I'm 'airing' my dirty laundry here to prove that this is BIG for me.

2 - MAKE a HOT breakfast every school day!

I have usually bought cold cereal, bagels, bread for toast, poptarts, frozen waffles, etc. for my kids to 'make themselves'. Well, since I'm able to be home more now, I will send my kids prepared for the day with a full tummy!

3 - I WILL stay away from theatre!

Don't fret - I will still perform . . . someday. But for now, I must keep my distance, as hard as it is. And truthfully, it's not hard right now. I have NO desire to be there, to leave my family, to sacrifice my TIME anymore.

4 - I WILL limit my teaching hours!

I MUST not teach past 6:15PM every evening and I will keep my Fridays OPEN for whatever I choose. I also inform ALL new students that flexibility is a MUST! I am a MOM FIRST and I will tend to that first. If they are not ok with that - go find another teacher. So far, all have agreed and there have been no complaints.

5 - I WILL drink one glass of water for every glass of Dr. Pepper!

I tease that my Dr. Pepper is my "mormon coffee" but it's gotten out of hand. It's almost like I'm an alcoholic and MUST have it every day. Scrounging for change in order to suffice my craving and need. I will wean myself off of so much!

6 - I WILL keep up on all housework and laundry!

Again, with theatre, it was not always easy! But I am going to do one load of laundry every evening. Making sure it makes it to the dryer before I head to bed and it will be folded and the kids will put it away before they leave for school in the morning. I will give myself the weekends off. :) Dishes will be done after every meal - no matter how tired I am! And I will do one additional chore every day - such as vacuuming, bathrooms, sweep and mop. If I keep up on it at least once a week, the house doesn't get that messy and I should be able to stay on top of it all.

7 - I WILL keep up on my "spiritual needs"!

This includes, but is not limited to, family prayers, scriptures, personal prayers and my calling.

This is it for now. I may add more but I think my "plate is full". I am thrilled to set them and keep to them. Knowing that I will be rewarded with more than just the temporal needs for all of these things.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!